My heart and thoughts

Just can’t let go….

I just can’t seem to let this pain go.

Usually I can move past pain.

I can “forgive”

I give you credit for trying.

You keep doing little things that are thoughtful.

But the pain is still there. Just under the surface itching to break through.

The truth is NOT setting me free.

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Family vacation gone wrong….

We have gone to Laughlin for 4th of July for the last four years with his family.

The trip was going well. Hotel sex and a trip to the Hoover Dam.

But all good things must come to an end.

Superman and I bickered in the morning of 4th of July. We didn’t see each other all day, till I returned to the hotel room to watch the firework show with him.

We sat in silence next to each other looking out the window as the fireworks went off.

After the show we got into a larger argument. I told him to go sleep in one of his family member’s rooms.

He turned the heater up to 90 degrees. He threw change that was on the bed at me. Said he should hit me, but he was better then that. He was calling me names. He told me I better hope his dad will let me in the car the next day or he was going to leave me in Laughlin.

I was scared of him for the first time. I thought he could hit me. The heat in the room was getting unbearable. I tried to turn it off and he turned it back up.

I packed my stuff and left the room.

I used our joint account to pay for a room.

This whole trip I had no phone service.

When I wake up at 10 am. I go to the front of the casino and try to get service on my phone. I get 3 messages from his parents saying that because they don’t know where I am they are leaving with Superman and going home to San Diego.

I run into my brother-in-law and he says there is nothing he can do. He can’t offer me a ride any place because he married into the family also.

Apparently being married into the family makes you have no rights or voice.

Superman and his parents had left two hours before. My brother-in-law and two sister-in-laws were about to leave with out me. I had no idea how I was to get home.

A $50 taxi ride from the casino to the airport to rent a car later.

I had to drive 6 hours by myself. Because my “family” and husband left me in Laughlin.

My husband never called or texted me.

I spent the night at his parents house and drove two hours home alone the next day.

We argued more. I cried.

One of me biggest fears is to be abandoned and he did just that.

I am heartbroken.

I don’t trust him or his family anymore. I am thinking of divorce. But he thinks because he said sorry it is all better.

I am sleeping on the couch.

No more family vacations for me.

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My promise to you…

You are the one I want to spend my life with. We are not a perfect couple but nothing is. 

I am a better person for knowing you. 

You are the one who saw my worth before I learned it. 

You are the only man to love and want only me. 

You are the one I can depend on and trust.

To care for me when I am sick and well. 

You have protected and defended me. 

You make me feel beautiful and loved. 

Your chest is where I want to lay my head, in your arms is the safest, warmest place I can think to be. 

You are the one I chose every day in the good and bad to share my life with. 

I want to spend my life making you happy. 

I want to make you proud of me and our life together. 

I want to make you laugh.

With this I give you my life, my love and my commitment that I am yours and you are mine. 

That we are stuck together. 

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Self Worth = Self Esteem 

I am at the 10 week point of a 20 week Self Esteem group. 

The group started with 10 people. By week 5 we were down to 4. By week 10 we are down to 3 people. Because of this week 10 may be the last week.                                                                                                                                                              

What I learned in 5 weeks… Knowing you have worth and what that worth is = Your Self Esteem 

My dollar explanation…    When you are born your self esteem is at $1.00 and this is true for every one. Then life happens, some good and some bad. These things can effect how you feel about your self. A bad thing happens and you feel you lost a penny, nickel or a dime. You make a bad decision and you feel you lost a quarter or a super bad decision and lose fifty cents.  

The good things happen and you feel you gained a penny, nickel or a dime. You accomplished something hard earned and you feel you gained a quarter or you do something amazing and you feel you gained fifty cents.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 The truth is everyday you are worth a dollar. 

Yes, life is full of ups and downs and that can effect how you feel about The secret is to know that in that moment of lows you are still worth the dollar.                                                                                     I realize I could have said you are worth a hundred, a thousand, a million dollars. But in my head it was easier for me to picture it as a dollar.                                                                                     

The main point is we all need to know our worth and not to let life or other people take away from our dollar. 


If you keep telling me…


I keep telling you that you are the one I want. 
I just need you to tell me I matter and that you will keep me.
You tell me that is just not you.
You love me.
But everyone leaves.
That you want me near.
But you don’t need me near.
You say that any guy could do the things you do to make me happy. So why should you feel special?
That I am a good girl friend and I make you happy.
But it is just not enough for you to want to be who I need.

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3 Billion Power Ball. My plans if I win.

3 Billion Dollars for the Power Ball.
There is a 11 million dollar apartment building with 30 units. A few studios,  1 and 2 bedrooms.
I have 10 family members I would let “have” a unit rent free. They would still have to pay the utilities and buy their own food.
But this would allow them to either have peace of mind like my mom. Or make it easier to stay in college to better themselves.  My daughter is now in
school to be a doctor.
The other 20 units would pay for the property taxes and management company. Maybe a little income. 
I have charities I would donate money to. My church for the youth program. They made it possible for my daughter to go to Chicago and Mexico when she was a teenager.  I want to make it so other kids in my church have the chance to do these things.
The Sheepfold,  a woman and children shelter.  I hear the commercial and I want to help.
The Way In. A teen drop in center in Hollywood Ca. When I was a teenager I was a homeless teen who went to this place to touch base and get mail. It would be a great thing to give back.
I realize I can do more. But I have to start some place and this would be mine.
Do you imagine what you would do?
I know I can’t be the only one who imagines what to do with all that money.
Only $2.00 can open a whole new world. 

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Maybe the end…

It may be the end of Superman and I today.

He says that I am selfish and do not respect that he has a timeline for his day when I ask him to take me places when I have a way to get it done without asking him.

He does not realize that I ask him because in my head it is easier to ask him then call someone to get me to do the same things.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying he is wrong, or even that I am wrong. I am just saying that we see it in different lights and because of this we have argued about it more then once and this time it may have caused an end to us.

He say I am needy, demanding and selfish. My heart cracked when he said these words to me. I guess the truth does hurt.

He loves me and did his best to make room for me in his life but I do not really fit in his life.

He told me before we got together he was worried I needed more then he could give me. Now I know he was correct.

Originally written March 12, 2013

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May 5, 2013-Happy 1-Year Anniversary

Dear Superman,

Happy 1-Year Anniversary! Nothing compares to you, the way
You make me feel inside
And I’m so glad you’re my man.

I wanted to write you a letter to tell you all the things I mess up when I try to speak them to you. 
It’s been 365 days since I first gave you my love. It has been meaningful, incredible, pleasurable, painful and unforgettable.

I call you “Superman” for so many reasons. You are all man, strong of body, mind and character. You are handsome, with your chiseled jaw and dark hair. The strength of steel makes me feel safe when I lay my head on your chest and have your arms wrapped around me. You are awesome and it shows from your head to your toes so that everywhere we go I catch females stopping to look at you.

When we first got together and you kept going out of town. 
Oh, I missed you so much. But you would make me laugh. Because you said your family would tease you because you would be sitting there texting and smiling to yourself, lost in the text and blushing.

Throwing Taco Bell hot sauce packages at you that say “Will you merry me?” and watching your face.

Working on the garden we planted in the back yard, with bug patrols and watering, or mowing the yards and sweeping the driveway. Having two cats with you. Doing housework on Saturdays.

I use to wonder why I stopped having nightmares, But I think it’s because of you make me feel safe and love as no-one has ever done before. That is why I would sleep every night in your bed if the world would let me.

I know you don’t understand. But to finally find out you are a little jealous makes me smile.

We fight and it can get so bad so quickly. You tell me how I am wrong, my temper is bad, I am demanding of so much of you, leaving cups every place.

To have the angry between us and we say so many things to hurt the other. But when I go home with nothing can stop tears from falling from my eyes because I get so lonely knowing what life is like without you.

I know that being with me was sometimes hard, because I am broken and there is so much more to learn about how to make this work. But knowing your willing to keep giving it another try when it goes wrong means the world to me.

The last time we had a fight the girls asked if I’m in love with you, my heart speaks before my mind thinks it through and I know you love my freckles, every curve, my craziness and even my flaws. I don’t know why you love me, I just know you do.

I can see having a life with you I dreamed of but never thought I would have and to have it with a man as wonderful and loving as you is a blessing.

I hope that you never let me go because nothing compares to you.

Sincerely yours,



The truth is told…

The truth is told, 

You say I did not and do not love you, 

You make a list to prove your argument.

The truth is told, 

That you did not and do not love me. 

As tears run down my face you tell me it is over, your done, all the love was a lie. 

You tell me leave, get out, you don’t want me there.

I wanted for once for someone to love me as I loved them, but nope. 

I wanted to matter to you, but never. 

I want to stop crying, but can’t.


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I miss you..

I miss you.

I miss the way you make me laugh 

I miss your body when I am scared

I miss just knowing you are in the house with me

I miss making you dinner, hot tea and taking your boots off

I miss you calling me “cuh” and kissing my forehead

I miss you 

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